A man from Newquay in Cornwall has revealed that he actually understands American football.

With the BBC proclaiming that the Monday after the Hyperbole, or whatever it’s called, is “national sickie day”, The Rochdale Herald endeavoured to find someone to explain the game of American football to us.

Jan Kidoodell from the surfers paradise of Newquay in Cornwall gives us the low down.

“American football,” he told us “is essentially rugby for Americans but there are a few differences.

“Everybody wears a hat and huge shoulder pads, like Jackie Collins in the eighties. There’s a Quarterback whose job it is to stand there and look pretty for the Tight End.

“The players go down on the line of scrimmage, someone snaps the Quarterback’s balls while the forward lines slap each other around to stop the defending team getting to his tackle. If he’s lucky he’ll get it up to the Wide Receiver who is always, well, wide and ready to receive. If that doesn’t work the other team will try to “sack” him, which is really quite unpleasant and I’d rather not talk about it.

“The aim of the game is to get the ball into the end zone for a touchdown, which you don’t touch down, you just have to get it over the line. It’s really easy, there isn’t a great deal of skill to it.

“The game usually last about three days although the ball is actually only in play for an average of 11 minutes. This is because you have to stop for a commercial break every time the referee blows his whistle. This allow’s the players to take on some necessary nutrition (burgers and nachos for the offensive line, beer and pretzels for the backs) and for the Quarterback to do a few bench presses and pose for a few selfies.

“The game is over when the referee gets bored or when all the spectators have fallen asleep, whichever comes first.”

We understand that Justin Timberlake scored the winning try in last night’s game but, to be honest, we couldn’t give a field goal.