UKIP have announced their new leader having given the process over to the childrens game, Guess Who.
UKIP member Cliff Edge said, “With dwindling membership our finances are in deficit. It’s really expensive to keep having leadership elections. You have to pay for leaflets and renting back rooms in pubs. Whereas, buying a Guess Who game cost £2.99 from a local Mind shop.”
Pictures of UKIP members will be attached to the cards and Nigel Farage and Arron Banks will take it in turns to guess who the next leader will be. The new leader will then be given a £25 Edinburgh Woollen Mill voucher to spend on tweed. They’ll then be able to retrieve their money once they’re sacked as Edinburgh Woollen Mill’s money back guarantee lasts longer than any UKIP leader does.
Cliff Edge said, “This is a much better way of doing it. We can get Nigel and Arron into the snug at the Fox & Hounds on a Sunday. We could get 2 months of leaders sorted in a decent afternoon.”
It’s alleged that if Guess Who fails then all able-bodied men aged between 18 and 45 will be required to register for potentially leading UKIP. Names will then be put into a lottery to be drawn on Saturday nights by Anthea Turner. That person will then lead UKIP that week.
It’s not all bad news though. With so many UKIP members relinquishing their membership the average age of UKIP’s members dropped below that of Methuselah. Cliff told us, “Who says we can’t attract the youth vote.”
In other UKIP news, a poll has revealed that 90% of UKIP’s members definitely still would. Bill Board told us, “I think those texts were a disgrace and Henry should resign. Definitely still would though.”
The Herald can also reveal there are rumours that Nigel Farage is to form a new political party. It’s alleged that he will campaign to rejoin the EU this time.
