Monarchists were today outraged by the suggestion by Emmanuel Macron, President of France, that the severed heads of the British royal family would be an appropriate gift in exchange for the loan of the Bayeux Tapestry to the UK.
“Just as the Bayeux Tapestry is a remarkable record of a pivotal time in British history, the decapitation of monarchs and members of their families is a tradition celebrated here in the Republic”, said Macron.
The President has offered to lend the UK a working guillotine and several elderly crones with knitting skills. He suggested that the execution of the royals would draw a vast crowd and that the guillotine should be set up “…possibly Trafalgar Square…” to draw the largest number of spectators. French wine, baguettes and a selection of continental cheeses would also be sold, creating a carnival atmosphere.
The heads would be displayed on spikes in the Place de la Concorde, outside the gate to the Jardins du Tuilleries where Marie Antoinette famously said “let them eat cake.”.
“History in the making, both for the UK and France, developing our very special ‘entente cordiale’ in a way both visual and visceral”, said the President.
However, staunch monarchists in the UK reacted with dismay and fury to the suggestion. “If this happens I will renounce my new blue passport, have a Brazilian and head to Lichtenstein”, said Katie Hopkins.
Other royalists were equally dismissive, with Britain First setting up a 24 hour cordon around Buckingham Palace and vowing to protect “…her majesty and all who sail in her. God bless ‘er and death to furriners…”, said one dyspeptic spokesperson.
Should Macron’s offer be taken up by the government, The Herald will be printing a special, commemorative memorial edition, containing vouchers with a special offer of 2 for the price of 1 with free popcorn.
