The latest figures covering deaths on American commercial airlines have shown a spectacular rise of OVER 1 MILLION per cent in 2017.
The 2016 figure of ZERO deaths has suffered a million per cent rise to zero. This follows the zero percent rise between 2015’s figure of zero to the zero recorded in 2016. However the fall of one billion percent between 2014 and 2015 (from zero to zero) remains the best result over a twelve month period.
Current world slander champion Donald Trump was quick to distort the figures by claiming the 2017 figure as representing the ‘best and safest year’ for terrified American air travellers.
Democrat voter Snowflake McGinty said “I routinely travel on domestic American flights and while I wasn’t killed in 2017, I felt in far, far greater jeopardy than I have felt while not getting killed in the previous ten years.”
Republican Bob Doberman XXIV said “Mr Trump has made American planes great again.” He then stick both arms out and ran around making aeroplane noises.
Other world leaders were quick to jump on Mr Trump’s bandwagon. President Bashar-al-Hassad of Syria said “Although our national airline’s 14 aircraft resemble elderly sheds with wings, and they run on paraffin, no one has died on them during 2017, making our commercial airways by this definition as safe as America’s.”
The only airline recording anything particularly noteworthy during 2017 was Air Canada following the mysterious disappearance of Justin Bieber from a flight over Labrador this Christmas.