Railway commuters have been told that it will now cost at least one internal organ for them to travel to work this year. Costs are said to be so high many would be better off developing a drug addiction and giving up work.

Expert Money told us, “Obviously nothing completely ruinous like heroin addiction. But a mild pain killer addiction could work. Co-codamol for instance. Drug addiction isn’t the total death sentence it used to be and with so many Medicinal Biology graduates these days many drugs ate synthesised aseptically in garages.”

A Department for Public Transport drone told us, “Look, we’ve tried everything in our power to talk people into limiting price rises. We sent a very strongly worded letter, we told them that people would be upset. Myself, I was at a Christmas party for one railway executive and I changed his WiFi username to “Greed”. There’s nothing more we can do.”

Northern Rail told us, “An issue we have is that ever since we made efficiency savings by getting rid of conductor’s, replacing them with automated ticket machines that only work between 11am and 1pm then, ensuring booking offices only open between 10am and 3 pm there’s been a drop in income.”

“We’ve hired a consultancy to get to the bottom of this issue and they say it will take 5 years of diversity training to bring incomes back up. Now, to support that we’re going to have to increase prices to cover the costs of both the consultancy and course costs.”

Railway executives have defended the rises. Southern Rail said, “Look, these rises are needed to guarantee current service levels. Last year we had a 100% on time arrival record. Now, many will say that’s because we cancelled all but one of our trains. And it is, but if you talk to those passengers they’ll say the service they received was brilliant.”

Another executive said, “There are still cheap fares out there. If you book early enough and don’t travel at peak times you can get a good deal. I’ve just found one here that departs Peterborough at 23:30 and arrives in London at midnight. It’s less than 50 quid one way. People just need to be flexible.”

Others have been quick to offer commuters completely useless advice. One man told us, “They need to get on their bikes. The exercise will do them good and increase their productivity. I see nothing wrong with cycling to London from Peterborough everyday.”

A BBC investigative journalist told us, “A lot of people can work from home now. I do it so I don’t see why nobody else can.”

This advice was countered by Dental Assistant Judith Clements, “I think the last dentist I heard of working from home got struck off. I’m not sure how this is meant to help.”

Fact checked by Snopes; Plagiarised by Andrew Neil; Nancy Sinatra's favourite Rochdale satirist; sued by Chris Froome and winner of the 1922 Nobel Prize for Chemistry.* *Not all of these necessarily true.