Britain’s new aircraft carrier, HMS Queen Elizabeth, was commissioned today in Portsmouth.

The new carrier is at the cutting edge of British warship design and incorporates many features designed to make bombing civilians considerably easier.

The ship’s design is not without controversy however; replacing the traditional foghorn with a Dukes of Hazard car horn from a 1982 Ford Fiesta XR2 is seen by many former sailors as a retrograde step and the shopping mall, ice rink entertainment area and jumbo slide are similarly not without their critics.

Perhaps the most distinctive design element of this aircraft carrier though, is the complete absence of any aircraft.

Denying that this was likely to impact upon the carrier’s effectiveness, Defence Minister Gavin ‘watch yer back’ Williamson commented “No, this isn’t a weakness, this is precisely in line with government procurement guidelines. We stopped issuing bullets to the infantry 8 months ago, and people questioned the wisdom of that decision. We’ve actually found that our soldiers shouting ‘bang’ can be very effective in the right circumstances.

“We’ve also revamped our entire submarine fleet, replacing it with masks and snorkels for the sailors, although it’s true that had mixed results; we lost an entire crew to Club Med, but once the bar ran out of tequila, they returned safe and sound.”

First Sea Lord, Admiral Sir Philip ‘Binky’ Jones was similarly upbeat, “This represents a modern, forward thinking navy and after the NATO exercise in the Gulf next May, I look forward to welcoming our first paying guests for our ‘swinging singles’ Mediterranean cruise.