The Russian Olympic Committee has reacted angrily to its ban from next year’s Winter Olympics in South Korea, with female athletes in particular calling the move ‘a real kick in the nuts’.
The ban comes following an extensive investigation by the Schmid Commission, which found evidence of Russian state-sponsored doping during both the London 2012 Summer Olympics and Sochi 2014 Winter games.
It has caused considerable upset amongst Russian athletes, many of whom may now be forced to compete under a ‘neutral’ Olympic flag at future events. Snowboarder Helena Jumpinova told the Herald that she felt it was unfair to discriminate against all Russian athletes based on the actions of a few.
“We all train hard and want to do the best for our country, so why do they choose to bust our balls?” she said.
“They watched me stand at the urinals to provide every one of my urine samples, and I provided those semen samples without any hesitation, so I don’t see what the issue is.”
Pausing briefly to tuck her freshly-developed pseudo-penis back between her legs, she continued, “So I have a beard, so what? My coach says it is a sign that I am a strong athlete.”
Vitaly Mutko, former Sports Minister for the country that is definitely NOT only hosting the 2018 World Cup because it bribed FIFA officials, denied any government involvement in the scandal, describing the claims as “groundless propaganda”.
“This is fake news,” he said. “The idea that we would manipulate urine samples to give ourselves an unfair advantage is ridiculous.
“Where do you think we got the urine from? You think we squeezed it out of Donald Trump’s hotel mattress. Actually, wait, I’ve said too much…”
A spokesman for International Olympics Committee told the Herald that their decision was final and could potentially extend to further competitions if Russian did not begin to show compliance with World Anti-Doping Agency standards.
“Everyone knows they’ve been doing this shit for years,” he said. “Seriously, have none of you seen Rocky IV?”