The London Sleep Clinic has today confirmed that it should only be necessary to go to bed 17 more times before everyone regains the ability to use clocks and calendars to measure the passage of time.

In an exclusive interview with the Rochdale Herald, Director of Sleep Studies Tony Duermo confirmed, “I get wheeled out every year around this time, when everyone loses the ability to mark the passing of time in the usual way and they get a short-lived and completely spurious interest in sleep studies for a week or two.

“The link between sleeping and Christmas is tenuous at best, but I understand you need to fill hours of rolling news with meaningless guff so I’ll oblige. That’s the problem with the news media these days. I bet your editor just gave you a headline and told you to write this didn’t he? I actually have an important research paper out at the moment, not that you care.

“So yeah, I’m supposed to tell you why measuring time in sleeps is a thing. Because you’re all infantile idiots, that’s why. Because you’d rather pretend a mythical flying fat man put your presents down the chimney than admit to your kids you elbowed a granny in the throat on Black Friday to get some money off a massive telly. You’re not even listening so what does it matter. I took eight years to train for this job, you know.

“See you for another meaningless soundbite this time next year then. Only 365 sleeps to go.”