Radical badgers have declared Dingley Dell an independent sovereign state and have threatened violent action against Conservative MPs in response to the continuing cull.
The founder of the MP cull pressure group Gas A Tory (GAT) told the Herald that enough was enough: “For too long badgers have been targeted by farmers, the NFU, which we think stands for No Fucking Use hahaha.”
After a prolonged bout of coughing, Gerald continued. “Sorry about that, been standing too close to the cows. Where was I? Oh, yeah, farmers, NFU, and the Tories. Conservative MPs are in the pocket of the global agri-military industry complex who want nothing more than the complete annihilation of the Mustelidae. That’s Latin, you know,” he added proudly.
Gerald said that the time has come to fight back. “The new state will be called the Badgers Democratic Republic of Dingley Dell and its borders will be marked in the traditional way by a pile of badger poo every fifty yards round the perimeter. Woe betide anyone who treads on the line!”
How will they implement their planned cull of MPs? First Lord of the Admiralty, Air Chief Vice Marshall, General Colin said that while their exact strategy must remain top secret, it would involve direct and covert action. “We are at our best at night when the enemy will be asleep. We will attack them in their setts, fighting tooth and claw until we are victorious!” When it was explained that MPs tended to live in houses and apartments,
Colin was unflustered. “Whatever. They are still holes in the ground, no?”
Have they any allies? “We are counting on support from our relatives the polecats and weasels, who, while not being of the same calibre as the fighting badger, can still deliver a nasty nip round the dangly bits,” said Gerald. What about the foxes?
A silence fell upon the Dell. The multitude of badgers stared menacingly. “Apostates! Infidels! They run with the hounds of the undemocratic capitalist pigs!” they chanted. I slipped quietly away, not even pausing when a squelch beneath my shoes told me I had crossed the border.
Badgers are short-legged omnivores in the family Mustelidae, which also includes the otters, polecats, weasels, and wolverines. They belong to the caniform suborder of carnivoran mammals.