In a desperate bid to look like the Tories are not using Brexit as an excuse to bring back fox hunting, cock fighting, prima nocta, encourage ultra intensive farming practises and turn a blind eye to animal cruelty, Michael Gove has insisted that the recent vote in Parliament has been misconstrued.
In an interview on Radio 4, Gove argued that the animal welfare measures that have been thrown out, despite the electerate being told time and time again that all EU laws would be bought in to UK law as part of the EU Withdrawal Bill, are not very good and that the Tories can come up with something much better when they can be bothered to get around to it.
“Look,” he drawled to anyone who hadn’t already turned their radios off as soon as they had heard him speak “there are many animals are sentient but if we can all just accept that they are limited to a select few homo-sapiens that earn over £60K a year then everything else we have planned will fall into place.
“It is high time that we acknowledge that anything with feathers, that walks around on more than two legs, doesn’t earn £60K or, at a push, isn’t a paid-up member of the Conservative party obviously cannot think for itself and certainly doesn’t feel any pain.
“Once we have this principle in place, then treating everything else with the contempt it deserves becomes so much easier, especially if no-one can challenge it in the law courts”.
Despite protestations he continued “We don’t need laws to protect lower lifeforms because, despite documented evidence to the contrary, you can trust me on this.”