The government has announced plans to re-brand the National Health Service as the Notional Health Service.

Jeremy Hunt MP, Secretary of State for Health, is expected to announce the move shortly. “A Notional Health Service will save lots of money, as the service will be notional and will therefore require no physical implementation”, said a Department of Health spokesperson, adding “…the billions of pounds currently spent on maintaining the health of the undeserving poor can be transferred into tax cuts for the very wealthy. It is amazing that by simply changing one letter we can save the country a vast amount of money.”

The re-branding will cost virtually nothing, as the NHS logo will still remain the same. People turning up at Notional Health Service hospitals and clinics will find instead find they have been converted into malls, office blocks and luxury flats. The resulting death rate amongst the poorest sick and elderly will re-invigorate the job market, cut unemployment and ensure that only the strongest and fittest survive – thus improving the gene pool.

“Britain will be able to celebrate the fact that from now on we will only ever be notionally ill or notionally dead…”, said the rhyming-slang monikered minister.