Donald Trump is to embark on a lengthy world tour in January, to ensure he can insult world leaders who don’t follow him on Twitter.
A White House spokesperson announced the news today, and said “as everyone in the West is aware, President Trump likes to ensure he’s insulted as many countries as possible via Twitter, before he finishes his morning poop.
“It came to our attention, that there are lots of brown and slitty eyed countries, who don’t actually follow him on Twitter. This is an absolute outrage, and a real logistical nightmare. We figured the best plan was to set up a world tour so he can offend other nations face to face. If things are going really well, President Trump can then pull out his penis and windmill in front of nations he feels need a more direct demonstration of his power. Although he has no current plans to windmill when he visits Vatican City, this may change if the Pope doesn’t bend the knee pretty damn soon.”
We learned that President Trump has already begun this campaign with a visit to Japan, South Korea and the Philippines. Trump has apparently told the Japanese prime minister “We’ve got much more money than you. We do the economy real good. Best in the world. Super great. You look like peasants rummaging for scraps in comparison. The worst peasants. Because America has the most peasants. We’re the best at poverty. Super great at it. USA!”
The Oval Office has requested that “if any of the nations on President Trump’s hit list could begin to follow him prior to his visit, that’ll really help us out.
“It’s far easier for him to attack people from behind his twitter account, because he really is all fart and no poop. He’s essentially just an overgrown toddler, and sending him on tour requires a lot of pain in the ass planning. We’ve got to schedule in naps so he doesn’t have a tantrum. We’ve got to ensure we pack enough formula milk and sippy cups. So I ask now that more countries just follow him. It’ll make his day if he’s got more followers than anyone else in the universe. He’s quite cute when he’s happy.”
We at the Rochdale Herald are pleased that President Trump has made these plans. We felt it was unfair that many nations got to live a life without seeing his 5 a.m. incoherent ramblings, so it’s only right that he visit these countries.
Now they can no longer be in any doubt as to who is the biggest wiener in the world right now.