It’s a sore subject that can become inflamed easily but there’s an itch that needs to be scratched.

In the wake of the fall out from the data protection controversy surrounding Facebook, under fire social media supremo Mark Zuckerberg has today moved to reassure millions of users that Cambridge Analytica holds ‘absolutely zero’ information about that nasty dose of the clap you picked up in Magaluf.

Zuckerberg had earlier conceded the recent breach in data protection was unacceptable, without actually having the decency to apologise to users, but later confirmed that your most intimate secrets & fears are not nefariously monitored for profit in anyway whatsoever.

“We’re very sorry – and not like the last time we said sorry about letting alt-right & terrorist groups flaunt their stuff, which actually gets us a lot of hits and makes us a ton of cash – this time, we really mean it” he explained.

“We can assure our millions of users worldwide that who they shagged on the beach after a foam party in Faliraki is not something we monitor.

“Hey, if you’ve been expressing an interest in specific creams and/or lotions ‘for a friend’ then, of course, our trusty algorithms will fire some adverts from our good friends over at Zithromax or Vagisil in your general direction – but that doesn’t mean we have mountains of graphic data on the shocking state of your genitals.

“None whatsoever.”

Zuckerberg continued, “Your data is secure with us at Facebook, so you can shag around in confidence – go nuts, but be sure to take notice of those handy ads from our pals at Durex that pop up on your news feed from time to time!!”

With the controversy rumbling on, many users have been deleting accounts, with WhatsApp co-founder Brian Acton amongst those leading calls for mass boycott.

Can’t imagine why.

Although Zuckerberg remained unfazed, laughing off his rival’s ‘ironic’ attempts at boycott.

“WhatsApp? Ha! You don’t want to know what they do with your ‘private’ conversations.”