The latest sex scandal to hit the presses involves Damien Green using pornography at work. The de facto Prime Minister-in-waiting appears to have tossed away his chance to lead the country.

Green has vowed to take the matter into his own hands. “Damo made me a pinky promise,” says leading journalist Jolly Horny-Bugger, flirtatiously. “It’s massive, err, allegedly. He filled me with total enthusiasm and left me satisfied. A nudge, nudge is as good as a wink, wink, to a blind man, know what I mean?”

It is not the feeble impotence of Brexit that is threatening to bring the government to its knees, but good old-fashioned red-blooded randy revelations. Horny-Bugger remains convinced that Green wants to stay In. “He’s always preferred to stay In,” she coos, fluttering her eyelashes. “Now that Jacob Rees-Mogg, he’s all for Withdrawal, but then he’s a Catholic, isn’t he.”

A list of officials with egg on their faces and time on their hands has been circulated, with redactions to protect the guilty. The Parliamentary watchdog has apparently been bending over backwards to accommodate certain privileged members. Well, every job has its perks.

An insider, who did not want to be known as Green’s Friend With Benefits, spoke to the Herald. “Of course I am not a Friend With Benefits!” she claimed, hurriedly smoothing down her skirt. “Benefits have been cut back. I get paid for a job well done.” She was able to lift the covers on a number of sleazy shenanigans. Back numbers of Razzle are freely available in the cabinet in the Cabinet Office. The Honourable Members’ dishonourable members are massaged almost as much as the statistics.

She also disclosed that it is well-known in Parliamentary circles that the Whips’ Office is quite aptly titled. Many Conservative backbenchers are known to look forward to Flagellation Friday.

But, amid the cut and thrust, will Green keep his pinky promise? Or is he just a wanker?