Coca Cola have announced that the driver of their self-proclaimed ‘traditional’ Christmas Truck has been instructed to keep moving through the UK towns and cities that it visits to keep overweight and pre-diabetes children and teens on their toes.
The plan is that trundling the truck slowly through the towns and cities with reputations for obesity across the UK will force all the local fatties wanting free hand outs to get a bit of exercise.
A spokeswoman for Coca-Cola went on the record; “Recent comments likening our Coca-Cola truck to a drug dealer handing out freebies to ensure future revenues, whilst fairly accurate, is not a big hit with our PR department. What better way to pretend we’re doing something to combat the increasing levels of obesity than forcing lazy, overweight people to run for their sugar-hit?
“Our helpful truck staff will encourage the jelly-bellied, lardy followers to keep up by dangling cans of fizzy pop from fishing rods just out of reach, singing renditions of ‘Roll out the Barrel’ and shouting terms of encouragement such as ‘run fat boy, run’ and ‘get up love, before someone parks their bike in your arse’.”
The percentage of UK children suffering from obesity has reached 30% in some areas and Coca-Cola have always been keen to do their bit, providing vending machines in and around schools and ensuring no-one forgets that they should be credited for the red-costumed version of Santa Claus that has become ubiquitous throughout Western cultures.
The spokeswoman confirmed Coca-Cola’s commitment to impacting children’s health.
“Coca-Cola will continue to promote our products in a way which makes them synonymous with Christmas, the West’s most child-orientated festival,” she told The Rochdale Herald, “as well as aiming to ensure that every child, no matter their up-bringing, will have the opportunity to experience the joy of a cold, refreshing, sugary Coke before the age of 5.
“However, the blame for tubby children, of course, lies entirely with the parents.”