There were raucous scenes at Westminster yesterday as several MPs were advised that a new system for processing expenses meant a six week wait for reimbursement.
“This is a scandal!” Terrance Loan, Con MP for Skewesdye let rip, “I put my hand in my pocket to buy that HB pencil in good faith.”
A Labour MP, Dee Luded, representing Inner-West-South-East-Central London, also had some words for the committee responsible for the abrupt change to her expectations.
“How am I supposed to do my work for the unofficial cross party body ‘Talking up the opportunities for currency speculation represented by Brexit’ if I have to spend my own money to have my tape recording of our sessions translated into Klingon? And what about the back scratcher I just purchased? I won’t stand for this.”
Explanation of the shock change to parliamentary expenses claims was provided by a Walrus.
“I don’t like it anymore than they do,” the Walrus explained, “when I was asked to stand for parliament I was told I would be parachuted into a safe seat in the north of the country which was close in climate to where I grew up. That just wasn’t true for starters. It is very costly maintaining a room temperature of arctic level and I’m furious to be told I am having to oversee changes to accounting which affect me personally when I was promised generous and instant levels of reimbursement for every back scratch I put my hand in my pocket for.
“There’s not a snowflake’s chance I’ll be able to stop all my receipts for bags of ice from the local off license from disintegrating in my office full of dripping water. It’s scandalous. Real people don’t have to live like this. Why should we?”
It seems likely there maybe a reversal in the new policy as more and more MPs send their interns down to the cash desk only to return empty handed.
“Maybe we could work it so the six week period is us loaning the public purse the money we’re out of pocket and charge interest at payday loan levels until we get reimbursed?” Terrence asked.
“Or better yet, once our plight is widely known the general public will probably set up an expenses bank for us.
“They seem to do that sort of thing at the drop of a hat these days for all sorts of reasons.”