After Labour MP Jared O’Mara had his sexual fantasies broadcast for all to see, the entire country has donated to a crowdfunding page to get him laid.

In social media posts from many years ago, the MP for Sheffield Hallam has described wanting to have an orgy with the Girls Aloud singing troupe, whilst deeply sodomising Jamie Callum with a piano. On hearing this, concerned Brits immediately started a crowdfunding page with the objective of getting the poor lad a knee trembler.

With the page so far raising enough for 5 minutes with a middle aged Romanian lady at a rub-n-tug, the man behind the page decided to call the Rochdale Herald for publicity. Phil Dirkfrapper takes up the story;

“Well when I saw that this poor ginger labour MP has had all this stuff splashed all over the news, my heart just went out to him. I remembered how awkward I was as a teen around women. How long it took me to pop my cherry. Then I thought to myself, what if I took all that awkwardness and then added Ginger hair and a face like a spud, coupled it with the desire to get into politics and, to add insult to injury, joined the Labour party. Shit, I’d still be a virgin today but my right wrist would be huge.

“So I though we ought to pull together, help the lad out and get him an escort, or at least a night out with a hen party in Doncaster.”

Others however are quick to point out that the amount of money required to get a ginger labour MP frotted would be quite considerable. We asked local working girl Nasty Mary, who’s card we found in the city’s last phone box, how much it would cost:

“Well it’s £50 for a Russian pogo stick with cream, £100 for a Puerto Rican silky finish. But he’s a Labour MP you say? And he looks like a ginger potato?

You’re having a laugh, I’d never work in this town again.”