The scientific and religious worlds were in shock yesterday after a newly discovered island in a remote part of the Indian Ocean was found to be inhabited exclusively by the souls of the virtuous.
Explorer Ralph Finds said “It certainly wasn’t as expected. There weren’t an enormous number there and those that were pursued a devout life of hard agricultural labour and there was little or no decoration or modern conveniences. It appears that the Amish were right.”
Cardinal Thomas O’Malley conceded “It’s definitely disappointing. I’m sure no one actually believed smoking, drinking or wearing a bright colour like orange would preclude entry to heaven. We’re expecting a bit of a drop-off in membership to be honest.”
Major figures in Islam, Hinduism and other major religions are reported to have given the whole prayer and worship mullarky up as a bad job. Amish Elder Lukas Haas refused to give an interview, referring to our microphone as a ‘speech stealing gobbet of Satan’s mucus.’
However our reporter said he appeared insufferably smug. Scientist say that although the discovery proves Belinda Carlisle’s theory that Heaven is a place on Earth, her supplementary claim that she and her baby made it remains highly questionable.
Professor Brian Cocks said “I suppose we should not be too surprised as recent discoveries in Madagascar proved beyond doubt that love is indeed a big scary animal as Belinda Carlisle postulated.
“We have also known for some time that the gates to the bowels of hell are located in Dartford.”
Scientists are now turning their attention to some large circles in the sand discovered in the Gobi desert. Travel agents are reporting a nil rise in the sale of flights to Pennsylvania and West Virginia as potential converts to Am (or whatever the religion of the Amish is) immediately disqualify themselves by boarding one of ‘Beelzebub’s howling metal agents of unnatural movement’.
Reports of a Highway to Hell in Australia are also being investigated.