Hate preacher Thomas “Tommy” Robinson (not his real name) has become terribly distraught at the presence of brown sauce in traditional English cafes.
Eating a traditional Full English breakfast near the scene of a London road traffic accident, Robinson (not his real name) said “look at that brown bottle sitting here on the table, all smug, like it owns the gaff, it’s a disgrace.”
“Look at this, beautiful full English breakfast. Lovely bit of English sausage there, keeping those beans over there, like they should be, and over here, lovely bit of white plate. As it should be. No place on this white plate for no brown sauce.
“If you’re eating a beautiful bit of English sausage, like me and my friends like to do, then I ask you, what sauce do you want? You want red sauce don’t you? You want a sauce red like it’s fallen asleep in the Spanish sun after one too many pints. Proper, good old, English, red sauce, made from indigenous English tomatoes.
“What you don’t want is some slag brown sauce. Brown sauce, it shouldn’t even be let in this cafe. If I had a cafe, I’d have a sign on the door saying no brown sauce, no Guinness and no rough birds. That’s what your real Englishman wants.”
Given his love of red things, we asked Tommy if he would be going out for a lovely ruby to celebrate National Curry Week.
“Well, let me tell you this, as I told a Scottish Pakistani the other day. We invented the Tikka Masala. That’s a proper English curry invented by an Englishman and I won’t hear otherwise. Any suggestion that it was something to do with some immigrant adapting their recipe because we couldn’t handle a proper curry is ridiculous.”
Tomato plants grow especially well by sewage works, not that we are suggesting a link between effluent and Nobbo Robbo’s love of the fruit.
