Boris Johnson has today reprimanded Conservative Party Members for attempting to organise a coup and not asking him to join in. In his message, he urged Tories to get behind May, presumably to make it easier to stab her in the back.

He also confirmed, albeit a little less vehemently as Gove had done yesterday, that Theresa is exactly the sort of person we ought to have leading the Country for no real reason other than she is prepared to turn up for work even when she has a cold.

Many in the party were a little suspicious of Johnson’s message as it suggested that he had discussed the PM’s conference speech with ordinary punters. However, the misunderstanding was soon cleared up when it was revealed that the ordinary punters were in fact members of Johnson’s own team and that what they had actually told him was “Sympathy levels for the PM are still pretty high, this is not the time to strike.”

Mr Johnson also instructed Conservative party members to speak of nothing but their great policies leaving many activists dumbfounded and scrabbling around in a desperate bid to find some. One Tory insider remarked “We’ve spent the past 14 months or so avoiding having any real policies and just concentrating on coming up with adjectives to describe May’s imagined leadership style. We’ve been through Strong and Stable and moved on to Calm as of yesterday, but policies? Other than nicking opposition policies from time to time I don’t think we’ve got any. You can whip me red raw in my gimp suit if you can prove me wrong.”

Faced with such a prospect, the editorial team appeared to find it very difficult to come up with any either.