The budget statistics for the Department for Work and Pensions can often hide the raw human stories of the effects of poverty and joblessness.

In yet another sad personal human tale, it has been revealed that Theresa May’s vocal cords had been deemed fit to work by the DWP, just days before her disastrous conference speech.

Overworked and put on exhaustive shifts, repeatedly uttering the same old tired phrases, they had been suffering from complete exhaustion and depression.

Throughout the election they had been pressured to say “strong and stable, strong and stable” like a demented parrot. After the loss of the Tory parliamentary majority, they claim the DWP had effectively forced them to utter apologies for May and yabber on about taking responsibility whilst carrying on unabated. This was all for a pittance and on a zero hours contract.

In what was at times a difficult conversation, they have told us of the fear and repression of working for their gang-master.

“We feel *cough* numb, we tried to tell Theresa that we *cough* needed a *cough* rest, but she just rammed lozenges down us like a farmer force feeding a pâté goose.

“They had ministers carrying boxes of pills to drug us into *cough* submission *cough* like a Lance Armstrong drugs supply network. Phillip Hammond was the lozenge kingpin, he’d laugh as he doled out the tablets. We would wake up to find ourselves uttering things, awful things, the same *cough* things over and over again.

“We tried quitting, we tried *cough* claiming money from the DWP as a safety net, we were desperate. But at the interview the man just *cough* punched us in the throat. When we *cough* gasped the man told us that if we can gasp then we can *cough* work.

“We told her we couldn’t *cough* go on. Now we’ve embarrassed her and we’re scared, please don’t leave us, we don’t know what she will *cough* do next!”

We had to leave them but we recommended a hot ginger and lemon with a spoonful of honey and a splash of whisky.