The woman who thinks she’s British prime minister stated clearly today, and repetitively, “Boris Johnson is not undermining me, I’m doing it all on my own.”
The statement, and the at times quavering voice it was delivered with, was reassuring to a nation tired of the shenanigans of a mob who at times do a passing job of not knowing what the hell is going on.
“We act like a clown show because this is a circus,” Ms May added,
“Unfortunately none of us went to clown school. But I think we’re doing an excellent job of making people believe that’s what we are. Improvisation is my strong suite. So is top hat and tails. You should see me pull the knives out of my back at the end of the day. I always dreamed of being a contortionist and now I am.”
The validity of the Prime Minister’s claim was backed up by numerous senior conservatives. None would go on the record but all said in private,
“Help me. Won’t somebody put me out of my misery? I feel like I’m in a living dream of ‘The Shining’ and I’m cowering on a bathroom floor and Johnny is at the door. But each time he smashes through the door with the axe it’s Jeremy bloody certain capital flight day one Corbyn.”
Inquiries made directly with the foreign secretary Boris Johnson received the following reply,
“Daft woman. She’s like Medusa staring into her own mirror, she’s so rigid with indecision and fear. Of course I’m bally well undermining her. I want her to fire me so George and I can tear her apart from the outside. Only she refuses to fire me. What do I have to do?
Take her to a red under the bed employment tribunal for failure to dismiss someone plainly constructively dismissing themselves?
Only she’s digging so fast on her own I’m having trouble catching up to her.”
