The Prime Minister of Spain has told voters that democracy isn’t for them and it refuses to recognise the result of a referendum on Catalonian independence.

Catalonia, which is Spain’s answer to Scotland, has been wanting independence for several years and see the vote as the first step to achieving that goal. The Spanish Government, fearing the outcome, has told it’s people that it won’t recognise the result and is blocking Catalans voting.

The Herald have obtained an exclusive interview with the Spanish PM. It was conducted and translated by Gary Neville of the Steve McLaren school of language.

  • GN: “Quiero hacer amor con tu madre, ¿está bien?”
  • PM: “Que?” GN: “Ehhh….Sólo es un decier que tenemos en Rochdalandia, quiere decir que tu madre es muy agradable.”
  • PM: “¿No qué no, eh?”
  • GN: “¡Tu grande vaca morada se cagó en mi césped!”
  • PM: “¿Y? Sólo untala por.”
  • GN: “¿Vas a comer tu vaca grande morada?” PM: “¡Para nada!”
  • GN: “¿Quieres quitarte la ropa y bailar como Shakira para mí?”
  • PM: “Te llamo mañana.”

Fortunately, Steve McLaren was able to take time out of his busy schedule to translate.

“Basically he said that he is working in the Champions League. He expects to deal with the big independence movements. This is why he is PM and he expects to be successful.”

The Herald caught up with some residents who have been to Spain. One said, “I don’t see how it’s the Spanish Government’s business. They should keep their nose out. Kicking that bloke at Crystal Palace was a bit over the top but refusing Cantona his freedom is a bit much.”

Another told us, “She’s a local lady. I mean, she might not be from Rochdale but she’s English so we should stand up for her. I don’t always agree with some of the stuff she does but she was good in the Sugarbabes and on ‘I’m a celebrity’.

Anyway, surely Iceland should get a say? If I were Kerry Catona I’d tell the Spanish to piss off.”

Fact checked by Snopes; Plagiarised by Andrew Neil; Nancy Sinatra's favourite Rochdale satirist; sued by Chris Froome and winner of the 1922 Nobel Prize for Chemistry.* *Not all of these necessarily true.