New UKIP leader, Henry Bolton has caused a stir at the party conference in Torquay by suggesting it should do more to appeal to voters who are still alive.
Bolton woke up this morning to discover most of UKIP’s members refer to themselves as “walkers”. The walkers are currently shambling round Torquay looking for things to eat.
It’s alleged that UKIP’s previous strategy of appealing to would be members was for a walker to bite or scratch a person. This most commonly used to happen when a person would be distracted such as, whilst reading a newspaper in a supermarket. The scratched person would slowly turn into a walker themselves. The first obvious signs of being a walker are thinking you fought in the second world war. Even if you were only 2 years old in 1945.
It’s thought that the only way to destroy a walker is to cremate it. Since it’s illegal to cremate people who are still legally alive and, UKIP are in no position to change the law it’s understood Bolton has pledged to change the parties appeal.
A spokesman for Bolton has told us, “We’ve considered various plans. One was to find a foreign strain of flu and introduce it at conference. But foreign viruses are soft and not as hardy as British ones. We’re not allowed to blow the heads of the walkers or cremate them still alive. So we’ve decided we need to quarantine ourselves from them and appeal to people still alive.
That’s why we’re going to form a new party, I can’t believe it’s not UKIP or ICBINUKIP. Then we’ll leave the walkers to self immolate with the petrol that is Britain First.”
Sadly, the Herald correspondent for this piece died shortly after this piece was written. He was eaten by 6 walkers at a bus stop in Torquay.
