The great victory that is Brexit has delivered old-style blue passport covers to the grateful people. Rejoicing Brits across the country have been applying in droves.
The new passport promises to take Britons back to the glory inter-war years when Britain still led the world in many fields: telecommunications, sport and, of course, wars. It is symbolic of the great Taking Back Control promised by Brexit.
The Herald tracked down one happy recipient of a blue passport, Michael Amity, who has lived all his life in the village of Chipping Heck. Mr Amity was watching bailiffs remove his property from his picturesque 17th century thatched cottage while happily waving his new passport.
“I’m truly excited,” he exclaims, as the last of his furniture is dragged away. “I feel British again. Black cabs, red telephone boxes, the Blitz spirit and blue passports. That is what being British is to me.”
His application was accepted immediately. “I had to fill in a simple form, that’s all,” says Amity cheerfully as the gas man cut off the supply of fuel to the cottage. “All in English, no foreign rubbish. All I needed to do was to was give all my details, like family members, birth, marriage and death certificates, bank details, three utility bills and a disclaimer that I had never been a member of the Communist Party. My passport arrived by return of post.”
Amity believes that Brits should also wear a badge to proclaim their nationality with pride. “The English, naturally, will have three big lions,” he declares, as the locksmith puts the finishing touches on the new front door. “The Welsh should display leeks, and the Scots a thistle. Like Jews wearing yellow in Germany.” What about the Irish? “Kalashnikovs, naturally,” he states.
Amity glances at his phone. An image remarkably like Richard Burton appears with the message ‘Big Brother Is Watching You’. “I feel nice and safe now,” says Amity. Homeless, jobless, penniless and looking for a corner of a barn to sleep in, Amity’s new passport gives him a nice warm glow.
“It’s the principle. I’m never going to leave Chipping Heck, but we got our country back, and that’s all that matters,” he says.