Ryanair have announced the cancellation of 18,000 flights. The cancellations affect 40,000 people with many Rochdale residents hopeful they’ll be affected.

A spokesman for Ryanair said, “Sure, we thought cancelling loads of flights would have been terrible for customer satisfaction. But we’ve found a lot of people preferred their flights to be cancelled than actually flying with us.

We’ve taken the feedback on board and from next year we’re going to charge passengers €80 for a cancellation. It’s gonna be grand.”

The Herald were at Manchester airport to get the views of customers. Many wished to remain anonymous as they didn’t want people knowing they fly with Ryanair. We’ve changed their identities and they’re voiced by actors.

One said, “Well I have to say that I was annoyed at first. Then I realised I’d booked with Ryanair. I wouldn’t have that feeling of foreboding you get at the airport. When you’re walking to the departure lounge and there’s all the happy people who are flying with normal airlines. Then you get to your gate and the plants are all dead, there’s ravens circling the gate and a stag do throwing up on the seats.”

Another told us, “My flight was cancelled the other week. It was a bit rubbish at first but I managed to book with a normal airline. It was amazing. You landed in the actual place you wanted to go to. Getting to the hotel was easy. Not like that film, Planes, Trains and Automobiles. Plus, on normal airlines the departure lounge doesn’t look like the chimp enclosure of a zoo. People are actually happy to be there.”

One disappointed customer said, “I was due to go on a hen weekend with Ryanair. This has ruined it. Where else am I supposed to wear a t-shirt that says, ‘cock-lover’ on it.”

Another disappointed customer said, “Being a masochist I fly with Ryanair all the time. I love it. Sometimes I get drunk and abuse the staff so they’ll tie me to the seat. Then I try to get someone to beat me up. I’m never going to be able to replicate that experience.”

A final customer said, “I used to book with them because they were cheap. You go on their website and it’s €5.99 for a flight. But then you add all the extras you have to pay for, like a pilot. It costs almost as much as a normal airline and on a normal one you don’t have to travel a day just to get from the airport to your hotel.”

Ryanair have also announced that all passengers will get to be assaulted by Michael O’Leary in person to further improve customer satisfaction.

Fact checked by Snopes; Plagiarised by Andrew Neil; Nancy Sinatra's favourite Rochdale satirist; sued by Chris Froome and winner of the 1922 Nobel Prize for Chemistry.* *Not all of these necessarily true.