The British Prime Minister is today at the EU Summit in Florence to give a landmark speech to a 4,000 seat amphitheatre containing one homeless man and a stray dog.

The long-awaited key speech, in which Mrs May sets out the UK government proposals aimed at breaking the Brexit deadlock, will not be attended by a single EU official, because everyone knows it doesn’t matter what she says.

Mrs May’s speech, which has been widely leaked before she goes anywhere the platform, will set out government plans for a two year transitional deal that would take effect once the UK officially leaves the EU in March 2019.

As part of the settlement she will propose so-called ‘divorce payments’ in which the UK will pay €40 billion to Europe for the privilege of standing outside a really good party looking in through the window.

However, even British economists agree that this proposal will not be accepted, partly because there’ll be no one there to hear it, but more importantly because you don’t get to tell the people you owe money to how much you’re going to give them. That’s their job.

The Herald was unable to get any comments from EU ministers, press corp or cleaning staff, on account of there being nobody there. The homeless man was approached for comment but only spoke Italian, and we didn’t bring anyone who speaks any other languages. I just assumed everyone at an international summit would speak English?

The stray dog, however, gave a fitting assessment of the situation when he cocked his leg up the speaker’s podium and took a dump in the centre of the stage.