Following the success of Google’s driverless car experiments, Ryanair CEO Michael O’Leary has announced plans to shift the entire airline to passengerless planes.

O’Leary said that the plan would maximise profits, as tickets would continue to be sold while customers would be forced to find alternative transport. The carbon footprint of the airline would be much improved as no passengers or baggage would make the planes much lighter and thus much less fuel would be needed.

“We have no crew to fly the planes anyway, so we’re killing two birds with one stone,” said O’Leary. There will be a small charge levied on all customers for using their own toilets – and a £15 minimum charge for a tiny warm can of beer and a minute packet of peanuts which will be sent to customers via Royal Mail.

Ryanair is to be re-branded as ‘Tryanwalk’.