The Liberal Democrats have announced the creation of an ‘armed wing’ in what commentators are interpreting as a last ditch attempt to have some impact on British politics.
The announcement was made by three masked men, clearly identifiable as leader Vince Cable and former leaders Tim Farron and Nick Clegg, during a press conference held at a top secret location right next to the Primark in Watford town centre.
Cable explained that recent election result made it clear that the Lib Dems could no longer hope to gain political influence ‘via the ballot box alone’. As a result the party has concluded that the democratic process is ‘inherently flawed’ and will seek to promote ‘liberal policies’ via ‘a campaign of armed struggle against the British state’. Cable added that this plan would be ‘loosely based’ on the ‘Armalite and ballot box strategy’ developed by the IRA and Sinn Fein in the 1980s.
These comments were echoed by the party’s former leader and Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg, who explained that the ‘irrational refusal of the British public to vote Lib Dem’ had left the party with ‘no option’ but to ‘turn to the gun and the hand grenade’. He added that he’d spent the morning touring the pubs of East London trying to swap copies of his book Politics: Between the Extremes for old shotguns and revolvers, though admittedly ‘without any luck so far’.
The press conference concluded with Cable warning the assembled journalists ‘to take us seriously’ adding that ‘there are thousands of liberals all over the country who would gladly lay down their lives for a slightly more proportional voting system’.
At this point one of the journalists asked Tim Farron whether he believed engaging in gay sex was a sin, at which point he was taken outside and executed.
