Following the news that a massive lump of fat, plastic and waste material is blocking London’s sewer works, the Rochdale Herald spoke to an operative working on removing it about the progress of their attempts to clean it up.

Guy Downatunnel spoke to us at length, well he was quite far away so he shouted up to us: “It was so big and unusual that the first thing was to give it a name, we initially went for Fatty McFatberg but we were told we had to pick something sensible, so it became Sir David Fattenborough for a bit. Then we realised this lump of shit wasn’t going anywhere so we dubbed it Theresa”

“Everything we have thrown at it hasn’t worked well enough and its still there. Despite the fact that it’s just masses of horrible, disgusting qualities, it’s just not going away. We thought we had cracked it in a really clever way by getting lots of people to talk to it and go round in little packs with clipboards and one guy leading them, getting louder and more confident but it wasn’t enough. Still there and it looks like some of its parts are getting stronger. And there is all this other shit behind it just waiting to pounce, the public will get a big shock if we don’t remove it soon. If you will excuse me now as am just trying to remove some more items from the fatberg, ooh look some leather trousers.”

We left the team to it some time ago but we still can’t sense anything but the horrific stench it’s creating.