Arsene Wenger was left frustrated after the end of a tumultuous week which saw Arsenal lose twice against Manchester city and rounded off by a defeat at Brighton.
However, in a news conference held by the north London club, the Frenchman, who recently had his contract at Arsenal renewed, appeared to be most disappointed after he yet again failed in his bid to become a pensioner.
Wenger, 67, has been accused of losing the players respect in recent seasons. More recently he has generated a lot of heat from the fans, media as well as Arsenal legend and generic Londoner, Ian Wright, after he called the club ‘a Shambles!’
Wenger stated in the conference “I don’t know what to do. After the unbeaten season of 2004, my friend ‘Jacques Baguette’ bet with me that I would not get the sack if I tried. Being the winner that I am, I took him up on this challenge. I then slowly plotted my course to being given the boot in the most spectacular style. The problem is, it did not work.”
“I have lived here for so long now I’ve actually have picked up more of a London accent than Gregg Wallace. I just deepen my French accent every season so the fans think I care less about the club.”
“I have sold good players, not sold others when they’re massively profitable, performed poorly intentionally, looked like I am sleeping in the dugout, and gone for endless trophy-less seasons. You would not believe the hours I had to put in to make sure we missed out on a Champions League place, and yet here I am still!”
Wenger even consider more unconventional methods for collecting his P45.
“I though about super-gluing a load of dildos to the Dennis Bergkamp statue in broad daylight before a game, and replacing the Thierry Henry statue with that one of Michael Jackson that was outside the Fulham Ground. My final thought was to turn up to a match after renaming myself Arsenal Wenger, but turning up in a half Chelsea half Tottenham tracksuit. Then I realised I only wanted to be sacked, not killed.”
When asked by one reporter why this challenge meant so much to him, Wenger paused before answering that he has picked up his gambling habits off Paul Merson, and that he reached a point where he would do anything not to lose this bet. Also, his friend had offered a Chateau on the Cote d’Azur, a lifetime’s supply of Gaulloise, all the Chateauneuf du Pape he could drink plus an endless supply of berets and Breton striped tops.
“Sometimes you just get bored of what you do!” added Wenger as he stood up and whistled La Marseillaise and strolled out of the press room.
