A recent survey has revealed that a staggering 89% of Tory MPs are unable to findtheir constituency on a map.

The survey results, which were released to the Rochdale Herald today, show that only 11% of Tory MPs were able to correctly identify where the people they represented actually lived.

Of the rest, a staggering 53% pointed to Westminster, while 32% just pointed to various upmarket areas of London – in most cases, where they have their second homes.
The remaining 4% pointed to Belfast, or just the whole of Northern Ireland.

Almost none of the MPs in question was available for comment, all of them having suddenly come down with flu, and needing to take immediate remedial action in the form of lunch at a fashionable restaurant, all on expenses of course.

One MP who did consent to answer some questions was Boris Johnson. He, it turned out, had been among the 53% who had pointed to Westminster as being his constituency, instead of Uxbridge & South Ruislip. When his actual constituency was pointed out to him, he said, “what the devilled haberdashery? That, no, that can’t be right.”

Even after it was explained in detail that this was his constituency, he had his doubts, so I asked why he said Westminster.

“Well, it’s simple isn’t it, that’s where all my chums are and whatnot. Those are the people I represent.”

I then mentioned that over half of his fellow Tory MPs had also claimed Westminster as their constituency.

“Hieronymus Bosch!” he replied. “What are we like?”

Now that is a question to which everyone can agree on the answer.