Southern Rail have announced the latest innovation to their transport, passengerless trains.

Following the announcement of a move to driverless trains, bosses have decided to phase out passengers too.

“It’s all quite logical really,” CEO Rex Service told the Rochdale Herald. “First we bring out the innovation of driverless trains, which of course remove the factor of human error. Now if we do away with the passengers, there’ll be no hanging around at the stations for ages as people get on and off.”

This raised the question of how he expected people to make their journeys.

“They can just use the roads – cars, buses, even walk or ride a bike,” Mr Service answered. “Do they think trains are public transport?”

When asked whether this would also apply to freight trains, Mr Service was quick to answer in the affirmative.

“Of course it will! Do you know how heavy those things are, and how long they take to load and unload? They’re worse than passenger trains!”

So basically the plan is to just whiz empty trains up and down the country like a giant Scalextric set.

“Exactly!” said Service in response. “It’ll be so much more fun! We can just run the trains as fast as we like, without anything or anyone getting in the way, and we don’t need to stop for anyone!”

Public outcry at this idea, however has already reached fever pitch. And when I mentioned that there were plans to bombard the tracks with piles of leaves, Mr Service’s face went ashen. “They wouldn’t!” he said. “They wouldn’t do that to my lovely toy trains!”

Negotiations between Mr Service and the public are expected to commence tomorrow.