Ex-snowflake, Sarah Champion reveals she was forced to resign from the Shadow cabinet for submitting an article to The Sun.
“I was stacked up on Coke and painkillers when I wrote it.” Said the ex-secretary of state for women, men, badgers and quality street.
“We were having a bit of a party. I vaguely remember speaking to Corbs and telling him to come over and bring his skank as we were about to get Twister out. He’s unbelievably pliable at his age after a needle or two.”
“Anyway, I have no idea what I wrote, but knew it was a little bit dodgy and ‘not safe for work’, so just wanted to save it, but somehow managed to send it to Beccah Brooksey.”
“I realised my mistake straight away but the selfish cow said it was too late and despite my blackmail attempts with all the photos I have of her and Terry Wogan from previous parties, she went ahead and published it.”
The Rochdale Herald tried to contact The Sun, but all reporters were out at schools, interviewing crestfallen A’ Level girls about future careers on page three.
On hearing the news of her resignation, hungover Labour Leader Jeremy Corbyn confessed he was on a downer too. Though that could have been as a result of the amphetamines at Champion’s shin-dig.
“Gutted isn’t the word.” Said the corduroy cladded party animal.
“These get-togethers were bound to catch up with her eventually. There’s only Tom Watson’s gaff left to party at now. The trouble is, he dobbed on Brooksey about the phone-hacking a few years back, so there’s no way she’ll be bringing her crystal meth to his place any time soon.”