Nigel Farage is to play himself in the upcoming Brexit movie after a raft of Hollywood A listers all turned the part down.
Commenting on the decision to cast someone with no acting experience in the lead role in a blockbuster, director Stephen Spielberg, pointed out that Farage had became a commodity trader despite having no experience of commodity trading, had then moved into politics despite having no experience of politics and has since become a permanent BBC commentator, ready to expound on any subject you care to name despite knowing nothing about any of them.
“He convinced the British public to destroy the entire national economy by leaving the EU despite clearly knowing absolutely dip-shit about economics, trade or international law,” he pointed out.
“He should have no problem whatsoever pretending to be himself, arguably it’s his only talent. Other than telling massive porkies, which in effect is all acting is,” Spielberg explained.
Spielberg declined to outline the full plot of “Brexit” but did confirm that it would involve a number of “dream sequences” in which Farage wrestles and kills a great white shark, unearths the ark of the covenant, liberates Auschwitz, clones dinosaurs and rescues an American soldier trapped behind German lines in world war two France.
In a final hallucinatory climax, Farage makes contact with an extra terrestrial civilisation of unfeasibly tall thin sinister creatures not unlike Jacob Rees-Mogg, who provide him with the secret of inter galactic travel and anoint him as president of the world, for life.
Or in fact beyond, their having discovered the secret of immortality which Nigel is able to share with his close friends, all of them true blue white Englishmen like Arron Banks. Michael Gove and Donald Trump, but not that fat wanker Boris Johnson or other foreigners like Sadiq Khan or David Davis whose father was Welsh for god’s sake .
Among the Hollywood ‘A’ listers believed to turned down the role are Kevin Spacey, Robert De Niro and Al Pacino.
Pacino was unavailable for comment but a spokesman for Spacey confirmed that after having played US president Frank Underwood in five seasons of House of Cards there was no way he was going to lower himself to being the leader of a Micky Mouse political party who couldn’t even get elected to parliament at seven times of trying.
Speaking to the Herald’s Hollywood sister paper, Robert de Niro confirmed that he too had rejected the Farage role.
“Movies are like dreams, an expression of someone’s subconscious,” he explained, “In this case, it’s like someone wanking their ego into a sock – I wouldn’t touch it with yours,” he added.