The Department for Exiting the EU, or David Davis, revealed during a Today programme interview this morning that a picture of Dorian Gray will replace Britain in any future relationship with the EU.
“We’re retrieving the picture from a dark and dusty loft right now.” David Davis reassured the country.
“It’s been up there for over forty years recording the true soul of people like myself. You know, professional bluffers with a keen sense of self preservation. We think it’s best if the picture begins work immediately. Sits across the table from Barnier and those daunting stacks of paper. What’s he bothering with those for? In trade negotiations you just make it up as you go along. Any fool will tell you that.”
It’s thought the deeper thinking behind moving the picture to the front line of negotiations over the future relationship of Britain and the EU is as a result of the government discovering just how far up a creek they’ve rowed already.
“Personally I’m already booking onto a cruise holiday that we see me sailing around the world and largely out of contact for a few years.” Davis continued.
“Theresa May was really looking for a cave to hide in during her recent hiking adventure in the Swiss Alps.”
Asked what Boris Johnson intended to do once the picture of Dorian Gray had taken up its seat in front of Barnier, the Secretary of State for buggering up the United Kingdom was unambiguous.
“Boris isn’t going anywhere. Well, not until he’s jammed the biggest political knife he can find in Michael Gove’s back.”
In response the EU issued a statement that was mostly laughter and a plan to take as much of the UK’s automotive, financial services, aeronautical, fisheries and any other industry they like.
Adding further,
“It’s okay, we’ll send you a bill for £350M euros a week” before collapsing into hysterical laughter.
