Downing Street has advised people worried about the increase in heating costs this Christmas to follow their example and burn bridges.
“Of course people will have to share.” The government clarified. “We estimate there is one bridge for every 2.3 people currently resident in the U.K. If you factor in babies expected to be born before the end of 2017 that brings the total down to 2.2. More than enough to keep everyone warm if we all keep calm and set fire to public infrastructure together.”
The advice is timely, coming as it does in response to British Gas announcing they’re increasing the cost of heating this winter to the brink of bankruptcy for most.
But it’s not all bad news.
Most U.K. bridges are built or stone and iron. This will mean a boom to hardware retailers as Britons rush to stop up on pickaxes and wheelbarrows in order to carry their winter fuel allowance home.
Taxi companies have also expressed delight as the reduction in pier supported linear structures crossing the nation’s waterways will lead to a marked increase demand for water taxis.
Uber is the first to state they will be introducing a water taxi arm to their business, but they won’t be the last.
And for people worried they may miss out Downing Street offered reassurance.
“Once we’ve finished the job you gave us of burning our bridges with Europe, there will be a lot fewer benefit scroungers coming to steal the rubble you used to call a home. There will be plenty of stone to go around. Just stay home until you feel properly warm under the collar.”
