The Assembly of Royal Veterinary Surgeons has issued guidance this evening on how to remove Michael Gove from British government.
“He has to be gripped by the head with tweezers, as close to his cabinet chair as possible, and then pulled straight out.”
Suggestions that smothering him in Vaseline first will aid have been dismissed as he is already exceptionally slippery and this is likely to just make him harder to grip.
So too that he should be turned either clockwise or counterclockwise to better effect removal, as he is already so morally crooked, according to the vets, that it’s hard to see making this worse helping.
The other popular chestnut for removing ticks from dogs, that of jabbing it with a burnt match, has also been warned against, as it’s thought likely he will just reignite the match on contact and pose an even greater health and safety hazard.
The vets have gone as far as having a giant pair of tweezers fashioned specifically for the procedure of removing Gove from government.
They have offered to do it themselves if only to lessen their concerns over what he may do to livestock as Secretary of State for Land and Buggering Up Farming.
“It should be done as soon as possible.” They continued.
“We don’t know just how much of the Murdoch virus he’s carrying, but he’s certain to be infecting the whole show the longer he stays with his head buried under the skin of Westminster.”
The vets were questioned also on what happened in 2016?
It looked mid-year that Gove had been successfully removed by Theresa May as punishment for his complete lack of loyalty to Theresa’s barely house trained dog Boris, only for Gove to reappear reinvigorated later in the year.
“They left the head under the skin.” The vets explained. “Everyone knows if you leave the head of a tick under the skin of a dog it will grow a new arse. It’s exactly the same with a Michael Gove and a governing cabinet. Rupert phoned May and told her to leave the head in, so she did.”
