A lack of Britain shooting itself in the foot and Donald Trump not doing something stupid for a few days has left Britain to contemplate its plans Dianageddon.
The Daily Express has announced it intends to keep its observance low key by only devoting every front page to Diana between now and Christmas 2019. Rochdale inhabitants have also been telling us of their plans;
Martin Williams 44 said, “Diana’s death was one of the few times I’ve cried in front of my wife. The only time before that was when Gareth Southgate missed that penalty in Euro ’96. I’ll be spending the day listening to the 9 copies of ‘Candle in the Wind’ that I own.”
Drew Peacock said, “I intend to get a bit pissed then drive at speed around Manchester. This will prove that it was a conspiracy by MI5 or something when I don’t crash and die.”
Hannah Arbenz said, “I’ve been and got my commemorative sticker album this morning. The first sticker was James “suspiciously ginger” Hewitt. Hopefully I’ll have completed it by the time the anniversary roles around.
I’ll be spending the day with it contemplating the oil painting I had commissioned in 1998 of Diana that has my face instead of hers.”
It’s alleged that Tony Blair, who was Prime Minister at the time will spend the day reminiscing about how popular he once was. A spokesman said, “Tony was more popular than Jeremy is now. He intends to sit and remember a time when the biggest mistake Labour had made was to continue funding the Millennium Dome.”
Elsewhere, it’s alleged that Channel 5 have commissioned a documentary about the events leading up to the death. It will allegedly feature Mohamed Al-Fayed being interviewed by George Galloway. During the documentary, Mr Al-Fayed will discuss the methods MI5 have used to cover up how they caused the accident. Mr Al-Fayed will also reveal the identities of all of the people who would have had to die in plane crashes for any child Diana and Dodi may have had to have become monarch.
The Royal Family have refused to comment how they will mark the anniversary. Royal watchers have alleged that Prince’s Charles, William and Harry will have the most excruciatingly uncomfortable meal with Camilla where they will all try to avoid all mention of Diana. They will then retire to watch Prince Edward give a solo performance of Hamlet. One royal correspondent told us, “It’s going to be interesting for them. They have to have a meal with the woman who their mother believed had destroyed her marriage. Without that she may still be alive today.
There’s also the physical resemblance Camilla bears to how Diana would have looked today had she survived the crash.”
