The European Commission has confirmed that it has prepared plans to launch a Dunkirk style flotilla to rescue EU nationals in the event that the entire fabric of UK society collapses after Brexit, a Commission spokesperson confirmed Thursday.
“Our studies suggest that a full, hard Brexit will quickly lead to the arrival of the four horsemen of the apocalypse: war famine, pestilence and death – the full “BREXKRIG”, and that we will need to prepare to evacuate EU nationals very quickly, ” explained Commission spokesman Edza Geratemoi.
“We have contacted the owners of all small and medium sized vessels on the north coast of France, and the coasts of Belgium and Holland provided them with life jackets, thermal blankets and emergency food supplies and put them on 24 hour standby for a run across the channel,” he said explaining that EU nationals will txted a list of assembly points along the south coast where they can be safely collected.
“We cannot reveal the list at this point for fear it will fall into the hands of flesh eating zombies such as “Britain First”, “EDL” and “The Kniggots Templar” who may occupy the sites and attempt to feast on the raw flesh of fleeing Europeans,” he said.
“You’ve seen “Shaun of the Dead”? – then you get the picture. There is no hiding from this, we have a job to do,” he said.
Officials confirmed that talks were still ongoing with Norway for the use of Norwegian whaling vessels to evacuate from points on the east coast of Scotland.
However they explained that while as a member of the Single Market Norway has a duty to allow free movement of EU nationals, as a non EU member Oslo is understandably wary of being caught up in a face off with a rogue state like the United Kingdom.
With a population of only five million, the Norwegians are concerned about the possibility that as well as fleeing EU nationals, it may be swamped by hundreds of thousands of impoverished migrant British workers posing as refugees.
That possibility is already being addressed by the European Commission which estimates that as many as on in ten Brits may attempt to flee a post Brexit Britain scarred by civil war, insurrection, poverty, and Atos Work Capability Assessments.
“We’re establishing a camp just outside Calais where new arrivals can be housed while we assess whether they voted remain and so will be welcome to live and work in the European Union, ” he explained
“We’ve named it “The Jungle”, so arriving Brits will know where to head for,” he said. adding that the camp will provide valuable work for unemployed locals who will act as assessors.
“All assessments will be totally fair and above board but we will be taking social media posts into consideration,” cautioned newly appointed camp commandant Salman bin Mohammed, who himself only arrived in France from Eritrea last year.
“Any hint of racism, religious bigotry, anti European sentiment or pining for the good old days of “Auf Wiedersehen Pet” when alcoholic, semi literate, overweight, unskilled British workers could swan into construction jobs in Germany on a Monday and be downing 20p pints of San Miguel and 10p shots of ouzo in Torremolinos by Friday and you’re shark meat,” he warned. Conceding that as actual man eating sharks are a rarity in the channel and that he was speaking metaphorically bin Mohammed warned that there were indications that soon to be anointed British minister of racial purity, Katie Hopkins plans to launch her own flotilla to target Brits fleeing the Fatherland.
“Given a choice between her and the sharks, I know which I’d choose,” he shuddered.
