David Davis, lead researcher in the government’s secretive Brexit Lab, has announced that Brexit testing on monkeys has been halted after everything in the lab immediately escaped or just f*cking died.
The shock reaction to a range of chimpanzees and howler monkeys to exposure to the new government, economic bioweapon has taken all scientists involved by surprise.
“We thought they’d start mating like mad on exposure.” Prof Davis told the Herald.
“We genuinely just thought they’d go at one another hammer and tongs on exposure to Brexit. But instead the chimps started beating each other to death with chairs while screaming.”
Apparently one enterprising alpha chimp did manage to break open the small bolt on the lab door and surprised all by leading the howler monkeys to freedom.
The rest were too visibly distressed to do anything useful or non-violent.
“Of course I’ve called an immediate cessation to the trial until we figure out what caused the adverse effects.”
The clues to what went awry may lie in the complete absence of planning for the experiment by anyone involved in driving the project forward to the test phase.
“We’ll be making a lot of changes. Mostly by abandoning all the criteria we set for success and accepting the advice of the EU’s Brexit lab on what to expect. They seem to know a lot more about dealing with themselves than we do. Another shock I can tell you.”
Asked about efforts to recapture the escaped test subjects, Prof Davis seemed unconcerned.
“We only took some KY jelly and tissues into the lab. You can hardly expect me, so close to retirement, to try and organise limiting any problems caused by the infected monkeys that I let loose in the general population.”
But it wasn’t all bad news.
Supporters of the Brexit virus theory are still confident that it will be much worse when it crosses the channel and mutates into symptoms that look like the UK’s financial industry, aerospace, automotive and pharmaceutical industries.
“They’ll need us more than we need them.” Prof Davis stated before sneezing. “So long as someone in our lab can find the antidote.”
