Overweight, red faced, former England captain Wayne Rooney is to leave Manchester United to return to his first club Everton as part of a £90m deal that takes Everton striker Romelu Lukaku to Old Trafford.

Speaking to the Rochdale Herald’s weakly geriatric sports supplement, Rooney confirmed that when it became apparent that he was no longer wanted at United there was only one club he would consider playing for.

“Everton has always been home – I’ve really missed my Nan,” he said explaining that after he’d decided to return it was a simple matter of sorting out how much of his £300,000 a week contract with United, Everton were prepared to pay for, and then calling his Nan to find out if she was still up for it.

Rooney’s departure has gone all but unnoticed at the Manchester club with coach Jose Mourinho pointing out that he had so many players on the books, he was way to special to bother learning all their names.

“Wayne who? With Mike Myers, yeah wazza good filim,” he said.

Everton fans for their part are divided about their former hero’s return. While many expect the 31 year old to enjoy an Indian summer to his career at Goodison, others are more sceptical of what he has to offer.

“Let’s face it at his age he’s going to spend most of the season out injured, but at least he can give our newly signed Spanish striker Sandro Ramirez the number of his hair transplant surgeon – the kid’s only 21 and he’s already got less hair than my arse,” joked lifelong Evertonian Bramley Moore.

“Mind you given Wayne’s is thinning again faster than Karen Carpenter in detox, perhaps he should save his money, shave it all off and go for the Zidane look,” he laughed.
However Rooney’s return received a more positive response from UK pensions minister Guy Opperman, following criticism that changes to UK pension entitlements was unfairly affecting women born in the 1950s, for whom the state pension age is being raised from 60 to 66 by 2020.

Opperman explained that in addition to creating extended apprenticeship opportunities to get older women into work his department has also created a network of older people’s champions in all 34 Jobcentre Plus districts around the country.

“I’m happy to say that Wayne has agreed to play a role in this network and we will be passing on his mobile number to all older ladies enrolling in the programme in the Liverpool area,” he said. Like Show more reactions Comment