Jeremy Corbyn, leader of the opposition and the second coming Jesus Christ our Lord and Saviour, has set about his first week back in parliament sacking anyone who opposes the government. He has also instructed Britons to get their shovels ready.
His stance on allowing Brexit to pass through parliament unchecked means a Hard Brexit is become more of a reality. Food shortages need to be guarded against sooner rather than later, the allotment dweller advises.
A vast majority of economists and leading business minds, as well as just a lot of sensible people all over the UK, have said a total severence from the EU would spell economic doom for the nation.
“It would help if we knew what a hard Brexit means, no one seems to actually have a clue.” Said Douglas Fitzsimmons, the Rochdale University head of business and economics.
The greeting message on Downing Street automated answer phone service states,
“Brexit means Brexit, a hard Brexit means a strong and stable future, we are playing a strong hand at the negotiations and no deal would be better than a bad deal.
Press 1 if you are confident, press 2 if you do not understand.”
Upon pressing 2 the message repeats itself.
Jeremy Corbyn has come under fire from the centre left of the party, who consider his handling of Brexit to spell disaster both politically, and for the nation in general.
“Forget big business, what about food? Prices will rocket, imports and exports will be hugely impacted. How will we feed ourselves when so many of us have to use food banks already?” Said Claire Tipply of Middleton, in a letter to the Labour leader.
Mr Corbyn read the letter aloud at a public rally in Rochdale this morning, and replied,
“I have an allotment, I grow leeks, potatoes, beets, carrots and turnips. I make my own preserves and once a year I homebrew some elderberry wine for a Christmas treat.
We can all get through the hard times by getting a shovel and getting stuck in. I also chew every mouthful for at least fifteen seconds and I’ve switched to margarine; you wouldn’t believe it’s not butter!”
“Dig for Victory!”
