Autism, a neurological developmental disorder, is definitely probably worse than polio, rubella and a host of other preventable diseases all but eradicated in the western world, says a “professor” of pro-disease studies.

Ulysses Jennicks, of the California Institute of, like, Totally Legit Medicine and Stuff, said yesterday “Look, I don’t have autism and I don’t know or have ever conversed with someone who has, but I’ll tell you this – it simply HAS to be worse than being crippled by polio, or killed by measles, or left blinded or brain damaged by a host of diseases we can prevent with a shot costing pence… because those handful of pence will go to BIG PHARMA!

And they’re like a big corporation so you know they’re up to no good, right? I advise parents who come to me for help with their autistic children that this is DEFINITELY all their fault, and that they will have to live with the shame and guilt of that forever.

Eating organic, avoiding processed foods, prayer, chelation therapy and intestinal bleach therapy – NONE of those things will help, but they will suck any last vestige of fun and joy from your child’s life, quick as a flash!

Did I give you a catalogue? We offer dietary advice, chapel hire, tables with straps on the wrists and ankles, and workshops on how to ‘see them off gently’ when you decide you’ve had enough of raising a selfish time-thief! All people really want to know is that it’s somebody’s fault – and it is!”

A real doctor, when questioned, pressed his thumb and forefinger to the bridge of his nose and simply said “Leave now, and I promise not to hit you.”