Amber Rudd announced plans today to crack down on the current outbreak of human compassion sweeping the country.
Compassion has been on the rise recently after a series of disasters have brought communities together to help one another.
This has been seen by many Conservative MPs as a threat to the social division and animosity they have been establishing for nearly a decade.
In a speech which no one attended, Rudd pointed out that “division and hatred is a cornerstone of British community and something we should be proud of. Without it newspaper sales would plummet and whole sections of the population could become friends, or worse, Labour voters.”
The “Hate Thy Neighbour” initiative is rumoured to include a ban on street parties, fundraisers, public greetings, eye-contact and people called Jeremy.
In addition to these bans an elite squad of 19th Century Dandies will be deployed on horseback in the hope of reminding the public of important class divides which keep society functioning.
The group will be lead by Jacob Rees Mogg and will carry out important tasks such as kicking sandwiches from the hands of homeless people, sneering at food banks and allowing their shire horse mounts to urinate in municipal swimming pools.
Mr Rees-Mogg is said to be delighted by the new initiative and can’t wait to continue his life’s work in the public eye, rather than in secret.
It is believe that if the Hate Thy Neighbour campaign is successful it could pave the way for a number of proposed future projects such as “Candy From Babies,” and “Kick ‘Em While They’re Down.”
