Confusion reigns following the Queen’s Speech as the Tories deny all knowledge of a manifesto that may, or may not, have existed prior to the recent General Election.
Commentators hoping to compare the content of the Parliamentary agenda with promises made by the Conservative Party before their humiliating victory on June 8th were confounded as all evidence was removed from the party’s website.
The Chief Political Reporter of the Rochdale Herald, Felpersham Dogbolter, sought clarification from party whip Bartholomew Spank-Matron MP.
“No. You must be confused. There is no manifesto. There never was,” he denied.
But surely there was a document called “Forward Together” containing items about new grammar schools, breaking the pension triple-lock, Dementia Tax and fox hunting?
“Oh dear me no,” he replied. “That sounds like a very bad manifesto. We’re far better off without something like that stinking up the place.”
“Anyway,” he added. “The people who wrote it, if there was one at all, which there wasn’t, are all gone now, so that’s that. Even if there was a manifesto, which there wasn’t.”
Another party insider, political consultant Jocasta Baetme-Firmly, explained that having no manifesto was the very definition of strong and stable government and that only a coalition of chaos would actually write down what legislation they intended to present to Parliament.
“Obviously Parliament is sovereign,” she said. “But we don’t want a running commentary on legislation before we’ve had a chance to, er, disguise its true purpose behind an alliterative slogan.”
“We’ve been brainstorming it a bit. What do think of ‘Grammars are great’, ‘Fuck those foxy fuckers’ or ‘Give us your house and all your money, you mental bastard’?”
“Anyway, as Amber Rudd said, judge us on our record. If you can find it.”