Labour voters up and down the country were dismayed to learn that, according to a poll of absolutely everybody with a vote in the UK, the Labour Party is still less popular than the Conservatives.
“That can’t be right.” Rory Spudchucker, a 19 year old Surf and Media Studies student at the University of Leicester, told The Herald. “I’ve been listening to John McDonnell on the raido and he keeps saying we won the General Election. Something’s not right. Are you sure Labour didn’t win a majority.”
It has come as a surprise to many political pundits too.
“I think we can all agree that Theresa May ran one of the worst election campaigns in the history of, well, democracy I suppose.” Wrandle River, Political Editor of The Rochdale Herald, told us. “Still got more seats than Corbyn though.”
Theresa May ran a campaign on a manifesto based upon more child hunger, colder pensioners, killing small animals and the legalisation of the ivory trade.
“She still got more seats than Corbyn though didn’t she? It’s really strange. It’s almost as if the majority of the electorate don’t believe that Diane Abbot, John McDonnell, Tom Watson and Jeremy Corbyn should be in charge of stuff. But that can’t be the case because John McDonnell keeps telling everybody Labour won the election. I’m so confused.”
According to Private Eye in 2010 Jeremy Corbyn wrote in the Morning Star that trailing the Tories by 48 seats was disastrous for New Labour.
Labour is now trailing the Tories by 56 seats but apparently that’s the same as winning the election, according to McDonnell.
“I really do need to check my sums, are you sure that 262 is less than 318? It doesn’t feel like more, are you sure McDonnell is Shadow Chancellor? Doesn’t he want to be in charge of adding stuff up?”
Top Labour brass can sleep soundly in the knowledge that they have run the most successful General Election Campaign since Gordon Brown. Accolades all round.
