In an exclusive interview with The Rochdale Herald, the antichrist tells the DUP “I’m nothing like the Pope!”

On a damp and surprisingly chilly June morning I travelled to my meeting with a certain sense of trepidation. The venue for this historic tête à tête was a small café in Skegness, the town in which the person I’d come to meet has made his home.

Having exchanged pleasantries, we sit in relative silence, sipping coffee and picking at our muffins, until my subject is comfortable enough to speak.

“It’s very hurtful you know” he finally sobs. “why do they have to be so horrid?”

Tears well in his eyes as he tells me about his experiences. “I didn’t ask for this you know. I was born into a normal family, OK mum was a virgin but that’s not unheard of right? Dad was this guy from New York but I never met him, mum only ever refers to him as Satan or Lucifer or that evil bastard. They met at a golf club in Florida, he grabbed her and she doesn’t remember anything after that until I arrived. She hasn’t seen him since but she says I have his hair which I hate him for.”

He gazes ruefully into the distance “Maybe things could have been different, I would have liked to have been an artist. I was quite good. Then I hit puberty and everything changed.”

Growing up he’d been a sensitive lad and had enjoyed being home schooled but as puberty approached he’d felt an overwhelming urge to move to Washington DC. “I felt it was where I needed to be. Where I could be close to my own people. I can’t explain it, I was just drawn there.”

Having spent his teenage years in DC he moved around. Saigon, Belfast, Kabul, Sofia, Baghdad. He settled though in Skegness. “The people here are fantastic, really my kind of folks. I’m a big fan of UKIP and I have to admit that I voted Leave.”

Recently, however, he’s felt an urge to go back to Northern Ireland. “I don’t know. It’s a calling. I loved my time in Belfast and things are really looking up for me there again. The problem is that I’m sick and tired of the name calling. The DUP keep likening me to the Pope.

Come on, I may be in existence only to bring about the end of the world and the eternal damnation of the human race but I don’t represent an institution that takes money from the poor for their own salvation whilst preaching that contraception and abortion are sinful thereby causing a population explosion which is driving the poverty cycle.

I don’t make excuses for and cover up incidents of child abuse or worse. I didn’t take vows of poverty and yet live in tax free luxury in my own private palace in my own private principality. Quite the opposite in fact. OK, the new guy’s not so bad. He’s giving the creationists like the DUP and that whole bunch of twats a hard time but still, it hurts.”

“I may be the fucking antichrist but I’ve got feelings too.”