Britain First have revealed what they claim to be the first ever ‘terrorist-proof’ clothing – a onesie made entirely from bacon.
Called the ‘baconsie’, the garment is the half-brainchild of the group’s Rochdale representative, Darren Fudd. Fudd, 37, told our reporter that his creation had partly been inspired by Lady Gaga’s infamous ‘meat dress’ and partly by the daily outpourings of Islamophobic horse shit he reads on the Britain First Facebook page.
“I don’t know why muzzies don’t like bacon, but from what I can work out it’s kind of like garlic and vampires,” said Fudd. “Christians like me don’t have that problem, so we can rub ourselves all over in bacon and nothing happens.”
“Not that I’ve ever done that. Well, maybe that one time. Anyway, if I see anyone who looks like a jihadi, I’ll just put on this bad boy and bosh, safe as houses.”
When asked to explain how the suit would protect him from a suicide bomber or active shooter, Fudd replied, “Well, they wouldn’t want to come near me, so I guess I could run at them. Or maybe throw rashers at them. I dunno. Fuck off, you fucking libtard.”
Local businessman, Mohammed Hassan, 64, told the Herald that he first heard about the suit when Fudd’s mother came into his shop complaining that her fuckwit son had covered her sewing machine in bacon fat.
“Yeah, he’s an odd lad,” said Hassan. “He pops in here at least once a week to ask if I sell Frazzles and then pisses himself laughing, the racist little twat. I once pointed out that the Bible also prohibited the consumption of pork, but he said that that was Old Testament and that the only part of the Old Testament you need to listen to is the bit about hating gay people.”
At press time, there are reports that Fudd is intensive care after trying to climb into a roll and eat himself following a heavy session down the pub.
