Manchester United have announced that they are donating the footballer Wayne Rooney to Beijing zoo.
The footballer who has been increasingly marginalised this season will be flown out to Beijing in August. It’s thought this will make all parties much happier.
Wayne will then be transferred to Beijing zoo where he will be housed in an enclosure specially constructed from flat screen televisions. These will show loops of his greatest achievements on the pitch.
A specialist in footballer breeding explained the use of the screens,
“Wayne will be able to watch himself being very brave and sporty. This will encourage the strength of his sexual chi.
Although to be honest, breeding footballers is very easy compared to bloody pandas. I don’t think the zoo will face many problems. Just a case of point him in the right direction, when they judge him ready, and tell him to shoot.”
In September the zoo plans to introduce the mothers and grandmothers of Chinese players Zheng Zhee, Gao Hongbo and Zhao Junzhe into Rooney’s enclosure.
Rooney will be expected to mate with the females to produce offspring that can be trained to become China’s greatest team.
A spokesman for the zoo told the Herald,
“We’ve got everything ready. The enclosure is the most luxurious in the zoo. Along with the flat screens it features a bathing pool, pool table and tyres on chains.
There’s a viewing area where visitors can observe Rooney and a private area where we expect the mating to take place. We’ve flown in specially made chicken dippers for Rooney to feed on. We expect the breeding program to be a success.”
It’s unclear what Manchester United will get in return but Government members have privately told the Herald Rooney has attracted substantial investment promises to UK business. Potentially even the building of a Chinese airforce base at Old Trafford.